Recent Thoughts on Running

These are my favorite running socks.  I feel giddy when I wear them.  I only allow myself to wear them on my super long runs.  I'm not convinced I have earned the right to wear them yet.  I was going to save them for race day, but brand new socks on the big day aren't the best idea.  

I haven't felt like blogging about my marathon training lately.  It has been a tough couple of weeks with my long training runs as well as the things that go through my head, even on a hour by hour basis.

My running friend has been back and forth and back and forth on if and how she is going to do this marathon: walk/run the full marathon versus run the half.  I don't blame her.  She has gotten sick on most of our  long runs and the training has made her life more stressful than it's worth.  The Saturday of our 17 mile run she had decided to walk/run her 17 miles, thinking that is how she wanted to complete the full marathon, which would make it pretty impossible for us to run together anyway.  Plus Mark and I were spending the night away at a conference and would get back mid morning.  We usually run early, so she said she was going to run by herself.  I was nervous all week thinking of doing 17 miles by myself, almost sick-to-my-stomach nervous for 4 1/2 days.

As the week progressed I felt a little better every day about the impending long run.  I was prayerful, I was careful with what I ate, I tried to think positively.  I told myself that by having to do this by myself I was getting even more of the challenge that I thought I needed and maybe that was part of the lesson I needed to learn from this marathon. The run did not go well.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, and I loathed practically every second of it.  I tried to think positively.  When I was at 11 miles I told myself, "Only six miles left.  You've come so far!" But I felt like garbage and the only thought that truly registered in my psyche was, "I can't do this for a whole hour more!" When my Garmin finally sounded the alarm at 17 miles I literally cried.  I was just physically and mentally spent.

I am still not sure what went wrong exactly.  My body held up relatively well during that run.  I probably didn't eat enough carbs the night before.  I started running at 10:50 a.m. when usually I run first thing in the morning.  I didn't plan out my route which made me kind of batty just running in circles around Draper looking at my Garmin every two minutes.  But mostly I think it was because I was by myself.  The miles go by so slowly when I have no one to talk to.  I know some people love to run alone.  I am not one of those people.  When I used to run short distances (3-5 miles) in New Orleans I almost always had Natalie by my side.  When I started running with Emily, we increased our mileage together and trained for two half marathons together and often with one or more other girls as well.  The conversation was always going and sometimes I'd not even notice that a mile or more had passed.

I was an unhappy mess for 2 1/2 days after that 17 mile run, looking for a legitimate excuse to quit.  Could I get injured? Maybe my ITB would start acting up again.  I almost wished it would.  That was about the only acceptable reason for me to quit.  How many people know I am training for a marathon? Lots.  Is it okay to quit because I just know I hate this, that runs longer than 14 miles are simply not enjoyable for me?  The kicker about that week was that I was facing an 18 mile run the following Saturday.   I signed up for this marathon because I have a lot of self doubt in general in life.  I don't think I am good at many things.  I don't know how to confidently accept challenges.  I avoid challenges because I am afraid I will fail.  That's a post in itself.  I felt like running a marathon was something that would be stinking hard but that I already  had a strong enough training base that would allow me to be able to complete it.  So there I was faced again with thinking, "This is hard.  I want to quit.  I am not good at this."

I pondered and I fretted and I prayed and finally on that Tuesday I started to feel better.  I was approaching this 18 mile run as if I was going to do it by myself.  I made a plan for a six mile loop that I would run three times.  I made a plan for hydration and electrolyte replacement.  By midweek my running friend had decided she was going to do the half marathon instead of run/walking the full and she said she'd run the last 12 miles of my 18 with me, which I did not expect her to do.  Once she said she was going to just do the half I figured I was still completely on my own for the long runs because you certainly don't need any 18 mile runs to prepare for a half. Wow! I had this marathon training in my pocket if my running friend would do the last half or more of my remaining three terribly long runs with me.

We went to dinner with some friends and I ate pasta for carbs the Friday night before my 18 mile run.  I woke up really nervous that morning.  I was mildly shaking even, terrified of another bad run.  I did the first six by myself.  It was windy, which makes breathing harder.  I was nervous which made me short of breath.  But I was feeling much better than the Saturday before.  I was slow.  I couldn't get under a 10:30 mile and was favoring closer to an 11:00 mile. I am always slow but was more slow than normal.   It had been a hard week on my quads after the 17 mile run and my legs were still sore.  I knew that I would get to be with my friend soon and so six miles alone was nothing.  I picked her up at about 6.5 miles.  We picked up Brooke, the 15-year-old MiaMaid from church who runs with us sometimes at 12.5 miles and all three of us finished the rest.  It was a GOOD (not fun but much better than the Saturday before) run.  My running buddies were, of course, encouraging me.  We chatted and time passed more quickly.  I felt a complete mental turnaround with the marathon training.  I felt great, like I was almost there and I knew I could do this.

Things aren't quite that simple at this point.  As of Tuesday my running friend is now going to walk/run the full marathon again.  I'm thinking I am on my own again for the 19 and 20 mile runs I have coming up, which will be really hard for me.  I think knowing that I have completed 17 and 18 helps me believe that I am capable of the 19 and 20 mile runs that are left.  I'm still scared for them, but I've come too far to quit now.

So I've learned that I am completely dependent on having a running buddy to survive the grueling long runs and I am so bugged at myself for that!!  It's completely a mental thing.  I should be able to overcome it! Apparently I am going to have to at least deal with it for now.  Unless my running friend changes her mind again about the race, which could happen based on history, but I can't hold out for it.  I have to learn to have enough faith in myself to do this alone.

I also need to focus on how many things have been great with this training.  My body is holding up incredibly well, meaning my joints and muscles and general ability to finish the long runs.  I have zero injuries brewing at this point.  Well, except for a one toenail that is working on turning black-yuck.  I am horrified by it and also minimally proud of it as a battle scar.  I'm not sure how it will factor into the 5 1/2 weeks I have left of training though.  I have had no illness set me back in training.  And amazingly, the Utah weather has been so mild this winter and has not interfered with my training runs at all.

So, barring any strange event in the next  5 1/2 weeks, I should be fine to complete this marathon.  The last thing I can think of that training has done for me is it has humbled me greatly and made me appreciate many things more, especially my husband and kids.  I miss them when I'm out running for three plus hours.  It is absolutely humbling to push my body to those limits and feel like I need some divine help physically and mentally, not just during the runs but as I doubt myself in this on a day to day basis.  It has been good for my spirit.  I am also pretty sure at this point that more marathon running is not in my future! You may not have expected to hear that.  I took this challenge for some important reasons and I will complete it, but I feel pretty sure that I won't do it again. I love, love running.  But the super long runs take the joy out of it for me.  And, hey, maybe I'll change my mind once I have run the race.  I just don't know what to expect of such an amazing, scary, challenging, exhilarating event.  I am thankful for all of the encouragement and advice so many people have given me, as well as for the pressure of knowing they know I am signed up for this.  That's why I posted it on my blog originally-to keep me honest, to keep me accountable.  This is a ridiculously long post!  I needed to get all of this out of my head and into words.  I feel somewhat cleansed and encouraged.  I only have to run 13 miles this Saturday!!!  And I mean it when I say "only" 13 miles.  That's a treat.